Halfway Through

Tomorrow is the birthday I've been dreading. I've been crying all day just in preparation for it.

It is a sad cry. It is a happy cry. It is an "I can't believe it" cry.

John Rhett tomorrow you turn 9. This birthday you are halfway through our home. You know this…I've been telling you this forever. That this birthday was gonna get your momma.  You are such tender soul. You've been saying such sweet things to help your basket case mom. Things like, "Well, you know you are going to college with me." "I'm just going to move my family in when I grow up." "No one loves me like you do, momma."

Now I know parenting never ends. Which is both heartwarming and a little daunting. I know at age 33, Nena and Big are still parenting me. So, I know at age 18 - I'm not  "done with you." You've got the wrong momma for that :) but it is just the thought of knowing in such a short time - your room will not have a bazillion legos in it or clothes all over the floor. I won't tuck you in and you won't "anchor down" anymore.

I can't believe how fast 9 years have flown by and we have a lot of growing up to do but 9 more years doesn't seem like enough time.

Tonight, I just snuggled and held you at bedtime and I prayed for you. I don't know in years to come if you will remember it but I meant every word.

I didn't pray for this to be your best birthday ever. I didn't pray for you to grow up to be happy. I didn't pray for you to be successful.

I prayed for you to know your purpose. I am believing that you will know God's will for your life and walk in your purpose. AND NOTHING WILL DETER YOU.  If you are walking in your purpose according to God's will then all the other stuff just works itself out but as your dad says, "You got to work hard and be tough."

You will have pain. It is guaranteed. But I've lived long enough to have learned - there is purpose in that too.

Regardless of the - path you choose - successes - failures - "atta boys" - mistakes - I support YOU.

I see your gifts and talents. I see how you care about those in need. I see what a wonderful friend you are.  I see that you are humorous. I see how you are kind.

YOU ARE GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS.

And although I tend to be a "wordy" person (you get that from me - at least that is what your daddy says) I could never put in words how I feel about you or how you have changed my life.

You were gifted to me.
God gave me, you.
I am so grateful, thankful, and humbled to be your mom.
Here's to the next 9 years.

I love you more than that……...

MOM

I am me

"Why does my mommy love me? It is because I am me."

I found these words on Reese's notes app on the iPad. She likes to "dictate" notes like mommy use to do at work. She has heard me her entire life dictate. I can't even tell you how many words. The dictation was always work related. Although it was a daunting task, it was one that had to be completed for patient's charts in medical records.

When I read back to her what I found, she said, "Mom, I know you love me because I am me."

I reaffirmed her and told her she was exactly right.

She is loved more than she could ever know.

 Children have this way of changing how you love. It is a different kind of love. An "I dare you because I can turn into crazy mom" kind of love. :) It changed the way I view my parent's love. And most importantly, my Heavenly Father's love.

There is no one else I would rather her be. As she grows, I pray her confidence continues to grow in who she IS and not in who she IS NOT.

Are you focusing on who you are not? Celebrate "I am me!" Because you are loved more than you could ever know.

Whispers of the Resurrection

It's Monday morning and I can't help but think of the day after resurrection Sunday. This past weekend we spent time with family, friends, and church family. We were able to reflect on what our Savior did for us. The torture, the cross, literally to hell and back…the empty tomb. Such love.

But what about Monday.

Way before Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, blogs and any other social media - words, thoughts, opinions had to travel by good 'ole fashioned word-of-mouth.

I wonder what Monday looked like.

Whispers, shouts, praise, shock, awe, wonder, hope - "He is risen as HE SAID." (Matthew 28:6)

As He said.

What has He said to you? What prayers have you stopped praying? What promise have you let go?

Because of "yesterday," because He lives, because He is the resurrected Savior we have hope for Monday, hope for tomorrow, hope for eternity.

After the "hype" of easter, once I put up the kids' easter baskets and the candy is stale and old.

I can believe in what HE SAID.

May my life reflect the love of a risen Savior, whose words are true.

Stand out.

"I'm your least favorite child."

This was Reese's response the other day when I asked her to do something she didn't want to do.
I literally laughed out loud.

Over the last few weeks, I've been seeing a different side of my sweet baby girl.

She's starting to notice that she IS different. Reese is no doubt unique. But every child is. She and her brother are as different as night and day. Josh and I laugh at the fact that they did both come from us because they couldn't be more opposite. John Rhett is so much like Josh.

It. Is. Scary.

And Reese, well she is me made over except…STRONGER. (And those words came from her Nena, not me).


JR told me a few days ago that Reese said to him, "Bubs, I don't fit in."
He is such a tender hearted soul. He said, "Mom, I had to tell you. She seemed upset."

Later that afternoon, Reese and I were by ourselves. We were playing, singing, and snuggling.

I told her that Bubs mentioned that she was worried that she didn't fit in.

Her big brown eyes began to tear up.

"Mom, sometimes I don't."

She gave me a big hug and just let me hold her.

Now Reese can do her fair share of "fake" crying and "fake" need for attention. But she wasn't. When her feelings are really hurt or she actually is upset about something… you can tell. There are no dramatic pictures, like the ones before bed time.

I got all teary eyed too.

And then said to her exactly what I hope she will NEVER forget. Something Josh and I will continue to instill in her for the rest of her life.

"Baby, you will never fit in because you were made to stand out."

Stand out. No never fit in -ALWAYS STAND OUT.

May we all always stand out.

WHOA-man

Reese was trying to plug something in…

JR: Stop. Let me show you how a man does it.
Reese: (pushes him out of the way) Well, I am about to show you how a WHOA-man does it.


Hilarious.

Long good-byes

Today, I am one month shy of being here in Covington 7 years. When we began to look for an area to live from Jacksonville. Our criteria seemed simple enough, we needed a located close to I-20 and a hospital. Josh and I have always prayed for God's guidance and believe that He will lead us in His perfect timing where we should be. So, when we landed in Covington we knew it would be our new home. We both wanted a small town for several reasons, mainly because as our family grew we wanted our kids to feel like what it was to be part of a community.

I applied for a job as a staff nurse at Newton Medical Center. I was trying to just work one day a week as I finished up graduate school.  I walked into NMC a complete stranger.

Last night, I walked out for the last time as a part of the NMC family. I do use the word "family" on purpose because you can't really leave family. My heart is heavy. I've mentioned to so many of you that I am going to miss being a part of your day to day. Hearing about your families, your vacations, your fun times, your struggles...(thank goodness for Facebook during times like these. ha) I sure hope you all know how valuable you are to me. So, I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU!!!

Thank you for making my "job" enjoyable.

I am sure I'll leave someone out....but by now you should know that would never be my intention.

ER unit secretaries- Thank you for being my personal assistants. I know that is not the "job" you signed up for but you made my job so much easier. Even if you did call me a bazillion times during the day or night and text me just the same, my phone sure is going to be a whole lot more silent without you. :) Your kindness, funny comments made the "I have 6 patients for you" much easier. Always.

NMC nurses - Some of you were there when I was working with you way back when...Thank you for making my transition to NP easy. Thank you for supporting me. But most of all thank you for the laughs, sharing your doughnuts, and your friendship.

Social Work Mommas- I never knew that learning about the "criteria" (oh the "criteria") would lead to such an amazing group of people. Thank you for taking me underneath your wings and loving me. The 3 pm chocolate pick me up was just an excuse to make sure I got to see all of you.

Pharmacist buddies - Thank you for just "fixing" it. For knowing what I meant on most occasions. haha. But seriously, I have appreciated your expertise so much. You all have become some of my very favorite friends. From now on, texts only in emoticons.

Jill Treadwell- Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to work with you at first as a prn float pool nurse. Your kindness during all my transitions will never be forgotten. You were so wonderful to me as I was finishing graduate school and were so supportive. And you have continued as my roles have changed. You are one of the very few nurse leaders I admire and strive to be.

Ancillary Staff- There are so many of you. I put ancillary just to cover my bases because I could never name all of you without forgetting someone. Thanks for supporting me. Chit- chatting when I felt the need to be chatty (which is pretty much all the time.). Laughing with me. Keeping me straight. But most of all including me in your "world." From maintenance, housekeeping, cafeteria, radiology staff, and anyone else in between you have so encouraging to me. I appreciate you.

NMC Physicians - You all have taught me so much. Thank you for taking time to mentor, support, and guide me. I am grateful.

Amanda- There really isn't enough room to write how many "thank you's" I owe you. Really. I'm serious. All I am going to say is you know. Hopefully that will suffice. And besides the thank you's, I'm in awe of your strength. I've been able to see your character and integrity in so many instances. You are a keeper friend. You really are.... Love you.

Alcovy Hospitalists- (tears) I hope you all know how much I appreciate you. I could never say Thank you enough. To say I will miss you is such an understatement. I am forever indebted. My life is forever changed because of you.

The relationships I have at NMC is what makes the change so difficult. You are forever tucked away in a special spot in my heart. You will be missed more than you could ever know.

Black Bow

I heard Reese say, "Hey "little girl with the pretty black bow""(of course, the name has been changed!) as she was walking into school.  I saw you turn your head, look at her, and turn back around. A little piece of my heart broke. For months now, my sweet little girl has come home almost everyday and mentioned you. She tells me that she compliments you. Something you are wearing because well, Reese notices those things. And she always looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, "Mom, she never even talks to me." I've never seen you until today. You are a little bit older than her and maybe she completely annoys you, maybe she scares you (haha), maybe you are shy, or maybe you are a "mean girl." I'm not sure and I don't hold a grudge against you. I am actually thankful.

You see, I have a very confident daughter but you are making her doubt herself. She is 5 and hasn't seen the harsh reality of life yet. Maybe you haven't either. But you have brought out a qualities in my daughter that I am thankful to see. Persistence and Kindness. I am not sure why she wants your attention or affirmation. It is an interesting side of my daughter that only you have brought out.

And as I prayed for her today, I also prayed for you. I encourage my daughter to continue to be kind. To continue to be a light. Because, maybe she is the only one that ever compliments your pretty black bow.

I know that we are just beginning - There is a lifetime more to navigate with harder lessons to learn but for now we will continue - Continue to love you, continue to pray for you, continue to love your pretty black bow.